HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him