@TheAlexNevil

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

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@kyle_thatisall

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@Danny_McH2O

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. ūüôĀ

@Scimommy

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

@_coryrichardson

me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing

bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh

me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens

@Darlainky

You have 6 marijuana plants under a heat lamp in your basement. Please stop calling yourself a farmer.

@Marlebean

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

@CallousBalzac

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

@That_Damn_Duck

Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women

@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time

Joseph: around what time