How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
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Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters