How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.