How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

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REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.



Gave up on my dream of being a murderer a long time ago. I leave long hair everywhere & everyone knows its mine without doing a DNA test.


A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.


Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.


billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this


*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”


In Trump’s America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.


Leave it to the idiot hippys to adopt a “holiday” on Hitler’s Birthday. Merica.