Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.
Anyone need a roommate tonight?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.