How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.