Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
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One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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