I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.