How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
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My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
adding to the discourse
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!