How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
You Might Also Like
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The real reason evolution started..😂
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them