My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
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Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.