[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
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SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.