@KeetPotato

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

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@PaperWash

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

@Chumpstring

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

@Jenny4ashley

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

@pizzajaynow

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

@joeveix

Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.

@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

@IamEnidColeslaw

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

@AudreyPorne

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@simoncholland

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.