How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.