Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
they should invent a rest for the wicked
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶