How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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Not messing around
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?