Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
this isn’t threatening at all
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
This was a bad idea all around
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest