HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
You Might Also Like
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[training to be a crime investigator]
investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal
me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball
investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people
me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you” now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life
Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello