@LurkAtHomeMom

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

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@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

@billwurtz

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

@nbadag

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

@kiel_phillips

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

@IamEnidColeslaw

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

@coryrichardson_

[training to be a crime investigator]

investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal

me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball

investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people

me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people

@Wakenbake77

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

@kylegotjokes

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you” now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that

@SteveSuckington

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello