@AbbyHasIssues

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

You Might Also Like

@ThatMummyLife

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

@filibertohx_

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

@LizHackett

There are approximately 45 seconds between “I’ll make us an omelet” and “We’re having scrambled eggs.”

@DosieDoe

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

@bromanconsul

congrats to those who made it onto my “Not A Lizard” spreadsheet in 2015. to the rest of u, better luck next year and/or die reptilian scum.

@MeDistracting

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

@Amusitr0n

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*