@AbbyHasIssues

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

You Might Also Like

@Jake_the_God

My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.

@KentWGraham

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

@reallifemommy3

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

@b_griff88

The cable company is sending a guy out between 1:00 and 2017.

@dubiousrhetoric

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

@Jarhead44

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

@KyleSmells

mother: i hope i pass the bar exam

[later]

mother-in-law: i passed!

@TheHyyyype

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants