How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
bias laundering edition
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
PER MY LAST EMAIL
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….