[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
This is the saddest product I have ever seen in my life.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
There are approximately 45 seconds between “I’ll make us an omelet” and “We’re having scrambled eggs.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
congrats to those who made it onto my “Not A Lizard” spreadsheet in 2015. to the rest of u, better luck next year and/or die reptilian scum.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*