My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
The cable company is sending a guy out between 1:00 and 2017.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
mother: i hope i pass the bar exam
mother-in-law: i passed!
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants