Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!
Me: I know. I was winning.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100
When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
It’s confusing for me too, but I don’t need your money so you’re going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.