How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
When the stylist spins you back around
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.