How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

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[First Date]

Her: I love One Direction

Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass


the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me


A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.




Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no


10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.


KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes


[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire


LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.



[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”


There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button


Embrace her crazy and she’ll love you forever or until she kills you, whichever comes first