“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
You Might Also Like
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
*buys my kids a PlayStation 4
*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games
*starts drinking heavily
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl
Mr. Buffalo: And a boy
Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton