Her: I love One Direction
Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.
“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Embrace her crazy and she’ll love you forever or until she kills you, whichever comes first