How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Fights fire with marshmallows
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.