interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.