her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My dating profile:
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”