How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
From my Mom