HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
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I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Maths meets science
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!