HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
You Might Also Like
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
channeling her this year
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.