HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
scares