SCARY COSTUME
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New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
tell em, edith-anne
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!