@SimplyNamedTron

How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn’t belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.

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@theshamingofjay

Exclamation point rules

! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats

@NurseMurderer

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

@dragonsorbet

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

@jazmasta

I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.

@DaddyJew

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

@LurkAtHomeMom

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

@GoldenSpirals

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

@BarryVonAwesome

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

@elle91

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

@AmandasNotFunny

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁