@LindaInDisguise

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling

@jeffreyr77

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

@missrobotnik

The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

@RichardDawkins

I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.

@qwajo_jnr

You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem

@kramediggles

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

@Lisabug74

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

@jellybnbonanza

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?