How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first