I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.
You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?