Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
How to fall down stairs
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I put the ‘fun’ in functional alcoholic.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.
Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?
This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.