@daneZie

How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11

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@justoneac

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

@sploosk

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

@bmarked21

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

@MrEd_EVH

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

@RandomManik

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

@Zombie_Kit

Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?

@Lakeoconeebldr

This 5 year old is taking a call from his secret agent on a calculator and now I hate my phone.