How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
me after drinking all the wine:
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome