It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.