How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.

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Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.


[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.


If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.


When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver


A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was.

I’m just a prof. I can’t fix stupid.


[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me


When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat


“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending


Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint


*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?