How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I just love that new Pope smell.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.