@_TayTayJustine

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

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@MissHavisham

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”

@andylassner

CNN reporting that CNN will be reporting something on CNN.
Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.

@pilau

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

@jergarl

Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..

Wife: Fridge.

M: Shoe?

W: Fridge.

M: How did you..

W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.

M:…

W: Idiot.

@ThisOneSayz

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

@slimmy_shady

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.