“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
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What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Well. That’s not a good sign.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”