i wish we could shoplift online
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
You Might Also Like
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.
I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.