How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Every work call, he judges.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon