How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

You Might Also Like


“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.


ME: You could cut the tension with a knife



You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.


actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.


I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.


4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.


I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.


Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.