@zacharyflynn

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

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@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

@funflaps

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

@thomasdynamic

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

@DitzMcGeee

actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.

@AbbyHasIssues

I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

@malber

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.