@comer310

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

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@perlhack

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

@LowkeyNerdy

i don’t need a “previously on…”
ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight

@SirEviscerate

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

@YosefHawel

Most young lives are lost not because of seat belts, but because the defibrillator needs you to sign into Facebook first.

@PhilJamesson

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

@babyblue0924

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

@AKcrazy18

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

@Flossieraptor

Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.

@mattZillaaaa

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

@Henry_3000

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.