How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it