How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

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Me: “I want to go on a diet.” Food: “LOL no.”


HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.


Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.


My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery


Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”


The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.


Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.


At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.


No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.