How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

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Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.


[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually


24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?


Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?


Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.


Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.

How do you apologize properly for something like that?


my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making


It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.


My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.