@Elizasoul80

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

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@NewDadNotes

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

@ReaIRonSwanson

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

@KylePlantEmoji

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

@theSwellMan

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

@InsouciantMan

Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.

How do you apologize properly for something like that?

@catboysenku

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

@CVTBaby

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.