How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes


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I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*


People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.


GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap


To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.


“Never Have I Ever” is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn’t be donating blood.


Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’


[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened