How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
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[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
damn he’s good
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now