@WilliamRodgers

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

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@jazmasta

I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*

@HiddleDeeDee

People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.

@TheHyyyype

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

@JediGigi

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

@trevso_electric

“Never Have I Ever” is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn’t be donating blood.

@jake_lach

Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened