Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
You Might Also Like
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
bro: she stressing u out g??
me: