the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
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ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
is this a warning or an offer?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane