My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
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I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again