garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.