How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
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Rather alarming headline…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
If you are reading this then you are reading this
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?