*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
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No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
whatcha thinkin bout
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested