@Works4Shots

How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt

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@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”calamitygina”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3500139565/481993e5347fcad3e98d66cc4c9f4ded_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”222056070812676097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:135:”Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@TragicAllyHere

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

@Douchekevin

I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.

So I keep the curtains closed.

@AdviceFromDino

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

@Mellicubed

My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I’m hot when I’m naked, but come on now, let’s all just calm down.

@online_shawn

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

@aveuaskew

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.