Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
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Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Chicken bread
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day