Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.