How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Found my door mat
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes