Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.