How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.

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NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That’s what my tax dollars are going to? You’re tracking a fictitious fat dude?


Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*


Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”


Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.


I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.


I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.


“I don’t want to disappoint you”

First of all, I support Arsenal


“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well


[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”