NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That’s what my tax dollars are going to? You’re tracking a fictitious fat dude?
How To Get Rich:
1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.
2. Empty it the next day.
3. Become a millionaire.
You Might Also Like
Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?
Me: I don’t have a basement
*sound of foghorn from basement*
Head says “Forget about her.”
Heart says “Tell her u love her.”
Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“I don’t want to disappoint you”
First of all, I support Arsenal
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY