@Shock_Monster

How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.

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@livingnBoston

NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That’s what my tax dollars are going to? You’re tracking a fictitious fat dude?

@thenatewolf

Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*

@imence2

Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”

@Lisabug74

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

@JustMeTurtle

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

@KentWGraham

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

@WelBeast

“I don’t want to disappoint you”

First of all, I support Arsenal

@UnFitz

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

@flashember

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY