This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
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How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*