I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.