I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!