How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.

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Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like,
“Oh wow, I love these, thanks”

Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”


American: COVID19 is super scary

European: Yes

American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?

European: What?

American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?

European: Huh?

American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays

European: Co-what???


*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.


5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though


Me: Thanks for the sex.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.

Me: That’d be nice.


Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.


Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.


I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.


Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.