@sarcasticmommy4

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

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@Jamie1947

Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like,
“Oh wow, I love these, thanks”

Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”

@aishaismad

American: COVID19 is super scary

European: Yes

American: Isn’t it crazy how expensive the test is?

European: What?

American: And that I have to go to work even if I’m sick?

European: Huh?

American: And don’t even get me started on quarantine co-pays

European: Co-what???

@sir_shithead_I

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

@dadmann_walking

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

@ImABaconDonut

Me: Thanks for the sex.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.

Me: That’d be nice.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

@DevilryFun

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

@CelebrityChez

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.