How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit