How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
S M O L
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!