#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.