@dumbbeezie

How to handle a one night stand the next morning

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

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@ofentseprokid

I stopped using a CONDOM after NIVEA started offering 48 Hours protection

Why protect myself Twice?😕😒

@JayCee302

I finally started writing the book on herbs I’ve been putting off for so long, I guess it’s..

:looks directly at the camera:

“About thyme”

@Fred_Delicious

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@a_simpl_man

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

@InternetHippo

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

@Tmoney68

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

@beefman138

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.